he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
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