I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
