a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
how drunk are you?
Several
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
