I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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