i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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