I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
