I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
