bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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