There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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