That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
