I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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