I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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