No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
