hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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