her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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