I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
