In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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