I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
