Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
