Don't make out with my wife yet
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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