Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just wanna soil my oats bro
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
