just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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