He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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