I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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