My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
