Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
