some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
