I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
