hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
