seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
