i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
