my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
