My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
