I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.