He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?