Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.