remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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