So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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