My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
