I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
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