I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
