Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
