You're completely useless in the revolution.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
