I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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