i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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