He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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