I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
