Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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