I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
And then he peed in my hair
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