the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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