if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Of course I have a pirate flag
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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