I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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