You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
