Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
