i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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