She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
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Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
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she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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