Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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